Only Hope
by IantoJonesIsNotDead
Summary: Callie has just picked up the pieces of her broken life... so why does she have to lose again? Set a few years after "Invasion". NOTE: Chapters have been altered slightly, and Chapter 8 has been altered A LOT
1. The Before

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Shonda Rhimes and ABC. I don't own the characters, the show, or anything related to the show. No profits are being made from this, and I am simply writing for my own enjoyment.

**

* * *

**

**The Before**

Callie Torres paced back and forth, listening to the music coming through the double doors as she mouthed the words she'd written up. Addison grinned at the pager clipped to the band of Callie's wrist corsage and stepped closer to her friend.

"It's going to work out, Cal. Don't worry. It's going to go fine."

"I know!" Callie exploded. "I know, I know, I _know_! But she made me promise that if I got paged, I'd go! I don't know, maybe she's set something up, maybe she's not ready! It scares me. This stupid little pager scares me, and the fact that it scares me scares me. It scares me that she might be backing out, it scares me that maybe she's not ready." Callie leaned her forehead against the wall, and Addison touched her shoulder.

"She's the one who asked you, Cal. She's the one who was brave enough to go down on one knee and ask you to marry her. She's strong, Cal. I may not know her that well, but I know that. She's a good, strong woman, and she's not going to back out now, okay?" Callie nodded, and Addison put her hands on the doors. "So, are you ready?"

"Yeah," she murmured. "Yes," she said more heavily. "Yes. I'm ready."

Addison pulled the doors open...

* * *

Callie Torres looked up at Dr. Wyatt. "You asked me if I'm still in the Before. Yeah. Yeah, I am. I'm in the Before. And I don't think any more of this is going to help me. Because I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get out of the Before. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get on with my life.

"Sorry, Calliope-" Katharine began.

"Don't call me that," Callie cut in.

"Sorry, Callie, but you said she made you wear the pager _during_ the ceremony?"

"Well, it turned out not to be during, but yeah, she insisted. And I know, I know it seems like she set it up, but she couldn't, she wouldn't! She insisted, and I let her make me, because I knew how much those kids, every single one of those kids she took care of, meant to her. And I think, by now, everyone has to know just how dedicated she was. Dammit! That's why I can't get out of the Before, okay? Because that stupid little pager is the reason she's gone."

* * *

**TBC**

**I know this was rather short. I'm sorry.**

**IJIND**


	2. Pagers

**I've been listening to Dark On Fire by Turin Brakes for the last hour... might have something to do with it...**

* * *

**Little Gestures**

All four surgeons leapt out of the car the moment Mark stopped on the road in front of Seattle Grace/Mercy West. Arizona, in the Converses she'd blackmailed her way into wearing at the wedding, was sprinting the minute her feet touched the ground, while Callie pulled off her heels and went on bare feet through the crush of hospital staff and patients.

The pediatric surgeon was, for some reason, going against the flow and entering the hospital. Callie screamed at her, her words ripped away the second they entered the noise of the space, and followed her, her eyes filling with tears as they were affected by the smoke.

"Ari, what the hell are you doing?" Callie noticed there were no firefighters on the scene yet, and realized exactly where her fianceé was going. "Don't you dare!" She forced her way into the lobby, and rushed up the stairs, swearing at the cold metal that froze her feet.

The smoke grew heavier as she approached the pediatric wing, clouding her vision, and no one had passed her in a few minutes. Callie heard coughing ahead of her and pressed on, swearing when she ran into a wall at what she knew to be the pediatric junction.

"Ari!" She shouted, turning towards the sounds of coughing.

"Get out, Calliope," she heard Arizona yell, and she moved quickly down the hall. A mutated figure collided with her in the murk and resolved into Arizona Robbins, with a small girl in her arms. "What are you doing?"

"I have to be here for you, Ari," Callie said, moving to the side so her fianceé could get past. Arizona didn't move, except to jump at the sound of a ceiling caving in. The hallway heated up intensely, and Callie saw a flicker of flame come through a doorway.

"Get out." Arizona pressed the girl into Callie's arms and handed her a chart before kneeling down and unlacing her Converses. "Lift your right foot." Callie did, and Ari slid on the white shoe, tying it. "Left." She did the same, touching Callie's leg with her forehead, and stood. "Get out and stay out, Calliope." Arizona kissed her passionately before stepping back, one hand trailing down Callie's arm in a gesture that spoke loudly to the orthopedic surgeon. "I love you. I'll see you later. Now go!"

With those last words, Arizona turned Callie around and pushed her back towards the stairs before racing back to another room. Callie stared after the blonde, and then felt the girl twist in her arms. "I'm gonna get you out," she murmured, kissing the child's forehead as tears dripped down her cheeks. Another ceiling fell in, this one closer, and Callie sprinted down the hall, the girl tight against her chest...

* * *

Callie ran from the psychiatrist's office, biting her lip as she moved through the halls. The page had been a 911, no other details.

When she reached the ER, she paused for a second, tears coming to her eyes. The new head of Peds was rushing down the hall, stethoscope draped around her neck. She couldn't handle a peds case, not now. Not with the Before still on her mind. Maybe never again.

"You paged?" She and Danyca Fletcher asked at the same time, the peds surgeon grinning and Callie biting her lip.

"I did," Bailey commented from beside them. "Six-year-old female with a severely broken leg and cracked ribs, possible concussion and minor cuts. Torres, Fletcher, get cleaned up and be outside."

Callie grabbed a mask, gloves and plastic robe from the pile inside the ER entrance, pulling them on. "Rough day for accidents, isn't it?" Danyca murmured as she mirrored Callie.

"Whatever," Callie said gruffly, trying as hard as possible not to break into tears right then. She went to stand beside Bailey in the rain, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

"Wyatt?" Bailey asked. Callie nodded, and the shorter woman squeezed her arm. She jumped at the small gesture, unexpected from Miranda Bailey.

"Thanks," she murmured, as the ambulance came wailing up. The paramedics jumped out, briefing the three surgeons as they opened the rear of the ambulance. Callie stepped back when she saw the pained face of the tiny girl.

* * *

**In the morning,  
When you wake up  
Daytime fades up  
And your make-up runs,  
Just hold on**

**Still short...**

**IJIND**


	3. Little Gestures

**I just realized I didn't explain that the title comes from the Switchfoot song of the same name. Which I got hooked on after watching _A Walk To Remember_. I was home sick and writing most of last school week, and ended up with this. I know it's been a long time since I posted, so I hope this makes up for it...**

* * *

**Stop Running Away**

It took Callie precious minutes to navigate her way back out of the hospital, even with Arizona's high-tops. She ran into Mark as she pushed her way outside, and shoved the kid into his arms.

"Where-" he began.

"Back there," Callie said in answer, turning and re-entering the hospital. She battled back the heat and the smoke as she entered the peds department, covering her face with Mark's scrubs as she shouted.

"Arizona!" The name seemed lifeless, dulled as it pierced the grey air. Almost the way Callie dreaded it's bearer was now. "Ari!"

"Cal!" The faint reply came back. "Get out!"

"Where are you?" Callie coughed, moving down the hall. She fumbled her way towards the room she thought Arizona's voice had come from, then fell back as a wall deadened the reply.

"I'm he-" Callie screamed wordlessly, just for the sake of using her vocal cords, and threw herself into the billowing flame. She dug through drywall and plastic until her hands met what she realized was charred flesh. She oushed everything out of her way until she'd cleared Arizona's body, then easily picked up the smaller woman, choking on a mouthful of smoke and ash.

Torturous minutes later, Callie stumbled back into the sunlight. A fine spray of mist fell on her burning skin; evidently the firemen had come, but far too late. She found an amubulance with paramedics performing triage on patients before shipping them off to nearby hospitals and clinics, and laid her bundle on an open stretcher.

Her fingers found their way to Arizona's neck by rote, the way she'd learned in every single first-aid course she'd ever taken. "Airway, breathing, circulation," she mumbled numbly, tilting her fianceé's burnt head back carefully and holding her own ash-streaked cheek in front of the blonde's mouth as she watched for the rise and fall of Arizona's chest. "Please, please, please," she repeated in a fervent mantra. "Oh God, please."

* * *

Callie felt her stomach sink. It couldn't be. She numbly ignored Bailey's words, turning and finding her way back into the hospital, moving blindly into a washroom before leaning against a sink and staring at herself in the mirror.

The door opened and Callie looked up. "Go 'way," she mumbled.

"No," Danyca said forcefully. "There is a girl out there." She pointed back. "A girl who is bleeding and in pain and maybe even dying, so, no, I'm not going to leave. Not until you come with me. Cause you can't be in here crying when someone out there needs you and is dying, okay."

Callie steeled herself. "You don't get to comment. You don't get to come in here and say a single word, Fletcher. You don't know me, and I don't know you, and to tell the truth, I don't want to know you. Because the only reason I even know you exist is because of her and what happened, so, no, you have no room to comment on my life, okay? You got that?"

"No, Calliope, I do get to talk," Danyca said. She hesitated for a moment, maybe to gauge the ortho surgeon's reaction to her full name. "Because that girl out there needs you and I need you. I need you to be a surgeon, to be you, right fucking now. I need you to clear up that clouded judgement, I really, really need you to clean up your act, because this is a hospital, and as long as you work here, I need you to be professional. That is my patient out there, that is _your_ patient out there, and she needs you right now."

"Just get the fuck away from me," Callie shouted. "Do you not realize who that is? That girl out there? That girl, I've saved her once already, and by doing that, I destroyed Arizona Robbins, okay? Two minutes, two minutes to save her and I lose the rest of my life! So just give me at least a second to get a grip on this, because the thing I'm trying to do right now is keep from killing you and her and everyone in this hospital! I'm trying to keep from going insane, because I've got this voice in my head that is telling me to set fire to the Chief's office and to stab little orphans! So step back, Dr. Fletcher, and give me a second!"

"I don't want to turn into another one of her when I do this..." Danyca began, "but I need you right fucking now."

With that, Danyca Fletcher leaned forward, one hand on Callie's cheek, and kissed her.

* * *

**Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces  
He pleads, though he tries, but he's only denied  
Now he's dying to get inside**

**(He is searching for her, calling everywhere, but he can't find her. It's pretty much eating him up inside because she was the one for him.)**

**-Remembering Sunday- All Time Low**

**So... what do you think? Is Arizona dead? How does Callie react to Danyca? And what happened to the girl? Please reply, your comments feed my muse.**

**IJIND**


	4. Stop Running Away

**I just have to get this out... 'Invest In Love' is my favourite episode so far! Loved it! That last scene, I just went _awwwww_!**

**I apologize for the lask of spaces in the title in the bar; it wouldn't let me put in the final two letters so I had to get rid of the spaces.**

**Chapter title and lyrics at the end from Joshua Radin's song "The Fear You Won't Fall". No copyright infringement intended.**

* * *

**Digging a Hole and the Walls Are Caving In**

She took a few deep breaths, her ashy fingers falling away from Arizona's neck as she stepped back for a second. "_Mierda_," she muttered, her head hanging and tears carving rivulets through the dirt on her cheeks. "_Mierda_."

Hands grasped her upper arms and guided her back to the stretcher. Mark's fingers forced hers to make the cross on Arizona's chest to determine where to place the heels of her palms, and he pressed down in unison with her. "Thirty and two," he whispered in her ear as she felt his tears on the back of her neck. "Remember first-aid, Callie. Thirty and two."

They counted together, each trying to cope with the possibility of such a massive loss, sweaty hands gripped tight as they pumped down. Mark let go for a second to call over a paramedic. Callie barely heard him order immediate intubation; she just kept counting and pumping, moving to force air into Arizona's lungs, totally numb with shock. When Mark pulled her back, she ripped away from him, the tears streaming freely, and pressed her fingers against Arizona's throat.

"Oh _God_," she exclaimed, her hands gripping the railing of the stretcher to keep herself from falling down. "Oh my _God_."

For a second she'd thought that the tiny fluttering she'd felt was in her own fingers, the fierce pounding in her own chest transmitted through her skin. But then she realized that it _wasn't_.

Arizona's heart was beating. Thrashing away in her chest in a valiant attempt at pumping blood through her veins. Fulfilling that amazing task of giving life. _Arizona Robbins wasn't dead anymore_…

* * *

Callie pushed Danyca away the second the woman's lips touched hers. The orthopedic surgeon's eyes blazed as she screamed at the peds doctor. "No, okay? I am _involved_, and to reiterate, you don't know me, and I don't know you, and I don't want to know you! Back off, Fletcher! Page someone else down, page Sloan! Page Shepard, Grey, Yang, Hunt, Karev, Adamson! Page someone else to deal with you, to deal with this, because if you ever even look at me again, I'm going to have to try my best not to rip your head off!"

Danyca looked up slowly, her face painted with shock. "You know, she began quietly, "I don't think that counts as being involved, Dr. Torres."

"Um, yeah, Fletcher, it _does_," Callie thumbed her ring thoughtfully, "because if it didn't then you wouldn't count as being alive." Wincing at her own bad comeback, Callie pushed past the open-mouthed surgeon and walked with an empty heart up into the neuro ward.

She wandered the empty halls, her empty footsteps resounding through the dead silence. Empty connections rushed through her head, that Shepard and the rest of his neuro crew must be in surgeries, that Fletcher had been wearing white high-tops, the exact replicas of the ones she herself had sprinted out of the fire in, that, once again, it was raining.

"Fuck," she murmured to herself, trying to keep her voice from catching and betraying her emptiness. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck_!" She smashed a fist into the wall, not even wincing at the jolts of crushing pain. Empty, she felt so bloody empty.

Her empty eyes caught the number on the door of a nearby room, and she walked into the empty space, hollow sobs choked back as she lowered herself onto the empty bed and lay down beside her empty fiancée. So fucking empty, everything in her life was empty.

Callie draped Arizona's limp arm over her shoulder in an attempt to fill the void in her centre, the one left by loss, and allowed herself to break down and cry, if only for a second.

She lay in Arizona's hospital bed, her fiancée's… God, how Callie wished she'd become more… her fiancée's shallow breathing echoing in her ears. She sniffed, wiping her face, and remembered the words she'd shouted at her dad, the 'you can't pray away the gay'. Over the past weeks, she'd figured out she couldn't pray away the pain, either. She wished, so much, that she was still living in the Before, in those days when she wouldn't wake up screaming, the days she wouldn't come out of nightmares in a cold sweat, the days when she could wake up in Ari's arms and know that everything, every single little thing, was going to be okay, because Arizona was there. Only, she wasn't anymore. She'd been torn away far too soon.

Oh, to be sure, it wasn't as if Arizona was dead. No, not even close. As Callie lay beside the blonde, she thought maybe it would have been better, if she'd lost the woman outright, instead of having to into work and know that his empty, so fucking empty, shell, was all hat was left of the bubbly pediatric surgeon. Know that Arizona Robbins was still there, in theory, but she'd likely never talk, never walk, never Heely down a hall, never kiss Callie, never put her arms around her, never be _her_, ever again. Tears leaked down Callie's cheeks anew, and she shook her head, denying herself the gratification she got from letting herself cry.

* * *

**Digging a hole and the walls are caving in  
Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying  
I'm breathing in  
Come find me**

**IJIND**


	5. DiggingAHoleAndTheWallsAreCavi ngIn

**Here we go. Chapter 6. FINALLY. No, I did _not_ fall off the face of the Earth, but so many times these past two weeks I _really really_ wish I had. I won't go into much detail on this, just say that it's involved lots of yelling and then a _hell_ of a lot of silence. Which is pretty hard, seeing as we're on a project together and the extent of her vocabulary towards me is "Hey", or laughing at my "Calum MacDonald is Jesus" scripting, and I'm not even on speaking terms, it's more a bashing-my-head-against-walls-and-desks-and-doors-and-trying-not-to-cry way of communicating.**

**Anyways, enough about my stuff. Though it will probably explain why this chapter is so convoluted, polluted and distorted.**

**All the usual disclaimers.**

* * *

**Escape The Darkness**

Callie grinned through her tears, unclenching the fingers that had been gripped tight on the stretcher and taking a step back to allow the paramedics to go about their duties.

Mark looked at her worriedly, and she realized she probably seemed insane, with the massive grin. "Callie, are you okay?" She nodded furiously and he raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"Mark, she's alive!" She threw her arms around her best friend in jubilation before a paramedic interrupted the embrace.

"One of you going to go with her?" Callie nodded, climbing into the back of the ambulance with another medic and pulling the doors closed.

She grasped one of Arizona's burnt hands with both of hers, wincing at the piercing siren as she surveyed her unconcious fiancée. _So this is what drowing feels like_, she thought to herself, new tears splashing onto her dirty scrubs. _To think I never believed you, Ari._ She remembered the converstion as her eyes traced the blonde's battered face.

_Callie woke up to the single scream that ripped through the silence as Arizona sat up abruptly. The pediatric surgeon stared around in fright for a second, and Callie grabbed her hand to reassure her. "Nightmare, Ari?"_

_Arizona nodded quickly, burying her face in Callie's shoulder._

_"You going to tell me what about?" Arizona had always refused to, earlier times._

_She nodded again, after a second, then took a few deep breaths. "Well, the first was the hangar again, it's always the hangar, that's why I never said anything, cause you don't need that, but this one's new. I'm four. Me 'n' Dan, we're at a swimming pool, he's supposed to watch out for me. It's not a public pool, it wasn't a public pool, it was ours, I think. Mom's gone in for a second to answer the phone. A few moments later, Dan decides he's done with swimming, he's going to go climb a tree. He leaves me in the pool. I'm not wearing floaters or anything, like, really, Mom's right there. And I'm in the deep end. I stop kicking, just for a little while, to rest, and I sink. I don't realize, until I take a breath, I don't realize that I'm drowning. And there's nothing I can do about it, There's not a single thing I can do, I mean, I'm _four_. I just _drown_. It's shadowy, but that doesn't matter, because a tunnel is forming in the wall of the pool, and that's brilliantly white. Then a dark shape dives down and grabs me around the waist. I struggle, slightly, I want to walk down that tunnel, see my Grandfather. He's calling to me. Then I'm pulled to the surface, and for a second, it scares me more than the drowning did, because it felt like that dying, it felt like that breathing in water, it felt like that was normal. Like that should happen." Callie pulled Arizona close, kissing her temple as the blonde shivered._

_"So it's not the one you always have?"_

_Arizona shook her head. "It's the hangar, always. It's getting the flag, and having to stand there as they bring my brother down the ramp in a box. This one's new. But when I woke up, it scared me more than the nightmare itself did, than even the hangar dream did. Because there was an aspect to the drowning that seemed to just be me. The willingness to go beyond, the sense of adventure. The normalcy of water in my lungs, of breathing in liquid, the portent of new things to come, losing that, losing that scares me. And it's done so since the day it happened."_

_"You mean..." Callie trailed off into stunned silence._

_"Dan was never the same to me again. He always backed me up, like I was fragile, like he was afraid of losing me, because he almost did. And then I lost him._

When Callie emerged from her reminiscence, the paramedic had intubated Arizona, and he looked up for a second to pass her a chart and a pen. Her hand slowed at the first line, _Name_. She wished she could write those two, with the hyphen between, like they'd agreed they would. Robbins-Torres. Callie shook her head briefly, scrawling 'Arizona Elizabeth Robbins' before rushing through the rest of the spaces. _Just pretend it's any normal patient_, she told herself. _Pretend it's anyone but her_.

Only the brilliance of sunlight as the back of the ambulance was thrown open warned her that they'd made it to another hospital, and she hurriedly aided the medic in getting the stretcher, catching up the trauma doctors as they stood by. "Arizona Robbins, 34, third-degree burns to 80% of body area, smoke inhalation, intubated on transit." The chart was pulled from her grasp by an over-eager resident, a brunette who grinned back at her scowling colleagues. As Callie was forced out of the way, she saw the girl pump her fist, and tell her mates she'd beaten them in the race. The Latina had to try hard to resist the urge to knock the younger woman to the ground, instead running after the stretcher as it disappeared between the ER doors. "Freaking _sparkle pagers_," she murmured to herself, watching the trauma attending who ordered an OR for her fiancée. "Freaking _everywhere_."

"So true," a voice said from behind her...

* * *

A hand shook her shoulder roughly, and she stared up through bleary eyes at the person, a halo from the stark hospital light surrounding their head. "Sleep," she grumbled, burying her face in the pillow. "Not now, Ari. Sleeping."

"I'm not Robbins," Bailey growled, heaving a sigh. "Get up, Torres. I've been paging you for the past two hours."

"Then you can wait a few more minutes," Callie replied, rolling over before she realized exactly where she was, and that she'd just landed on her comatose fiancée. She rolled back, and was pulled from the bed by Bailey's strong hands. "Okay, 'kay, I'm up! What'd'ya want?"

"I realize you likely have some aversion to working a Peds case, for obvious reasons, and Dr. Fletcher said, and I quote, that you 'hate her', but that girl needs your help, okay? Also, um, her parents... are here now... and you might, well, want to, um, meet them."

Callie raised an eyebrow at the usually forward Bailey. "What do you expect me to do, _talk_ to them? Tell them I'm not really in the mood right now to operate on their daughter? Is that what you expect me to do?"

"No, I expect you to _fix_ their daughter, and then tell them that she's going to be fine. And then try to figure out exactly why you never ran into them, last time they were in." Bailey shifted from foot to foot, one hand gripped around the other wrist.

Callie stood, running a hand through her hair. "Bailey, you're kind of scaring me here," she muttered, trying to smooth the wrinkles out of her dark scrubs.

"Just go, Torres." The shorter woman shoved her towards the door, and she stumbled before breaking into a sprint. Anything that unsettled Miranda Bailey enough that she wouldn't come right out and say something, was worth seeing.

When the elevator dinged, announcing her arrival on ground level, the doors opened to reveal Cristina, shock blatant on her face. "Thank _God_," the attending half-shouted, pushing her former flatmate back into the car and slamming the button to close the doors.

"Hunt, what the hell are you doing?"

"Torres, you're not going out there, okay? I'm not letting you go out there. Just, just go back to Roller Girl!" Cristina had a second to take a breath before Callie threw her up against the wall.

"Tell me what's going on, Hunt, or I swear, I'll-" The doors opened, and Callie dove for the entrance as Lexie joined them.

"Sloan, help me!" Cristina pleaded, grabbing the Latina's wrist as Callie tried to get off the elevator and into the ER hallway.

"Hunt, let her go. She'll find out sometime or other." Lexie motioned for Cristina to release Callie's arm. "It might as well be sooner rather than later."

Callie walked tentatively out of the elevator, searching quickly for Danyca Fletcher and hurrying over to where the peds surgeon stood outside of a room. "What's going on?" Callie asked, momentarily forgetting their earlier encounter as she stared through the window to where two women crouched beside the girl's bed. "What are you-" Her words cut short and she shook her head. "No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, _no_! Hell no!"

* * *

**There you go. A lot of words for awesome people. Yay!**

**And I swear by the moon  
And the stars in the sky I'll be there  
I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there  
For better or worse  
Till death do us part  
I'll love you with every beat of my heart  
And I swear**

**All-4-One - I Swear**

**IJIND**


	6. Trying To Hold On Part One

**Disclaimer is as usual, except Peter Carson and Carley and Sarah Kelly are mine.**

* * *

**Trying To Hold On**

Callie turned around to find Derek Shepherd leaping out of the back of an ambulance, and throwing his chart to another resident as he pulled her to the side. "Mark just shoved me into the first bus coming here, Torres. He yelled something about making sure you were safe, and that he was going to find your family. What's going on?"

The younger attending choked back sobs, shaking her head as she looked up at McDreamy. _No. Don't call him McDreamy_, she thought roughly, _not after everyone's started calling Ari McDreamy 2.0. Just don't_. "She's comatose, Shepherd, okay? She sustained massive 3rd degree burns to her head and torso, and she inhaled so much ash that she needed intubation, and she's comatose, and I know that's bad, I know that's really bad, and now we're at this stupid little hospital that's probably in the thousands in the rankings, and she's in there likely dying, and I don't know the doctor on her case! I don't know," she screamed, "the doctor on her case, and she's going to be cutting her open, and I don't know her! I don't know if she cracks under pressure, I don't know how long she can last in the OR, I don't, I just don't know!" Callie leaned against the wall and sank down to sit on the tarmac. "I don't know her survival rate, I don't know her techniques, I don't know if neuro was her first choice as a specialty! She's, she's, she's going to be cutting her open, and I don't," Callie started hyperventilating, tears streaming down her face as she trembled.

"Breath, Torres." Shepherd crouched beside her, rubbing her back with one hand as he demonstrated how she should inhale deeply with the other. "I'm going to go in there, Callie, and I'm going to get clearance and then I'm going to take over her surgery. But right now, I'm going to take you up to the gallery, so you can watch, and see that I'm there. So, do you want to get up now?" She nodded, and he pulled one of her arms over his shoulder, helping her to her feet as another ambulance wailed into the emergency landing bay.

Shepherd supported her through the doors into the unfamiliar hospital; the only noticeable way she could link it to SGMWH being the insanity of a massive influx of patients. Derek asked a nurse directions to the OR, and Callie only then realized that he was still in his good clothing, a black suit stained with ash and a purple shirt, unbuttoned to reveal a dark tee with a tear in it. "Shep," she murmured, zoning out of the seriousness of the situation, "Big Grey's gonna kill you for wrecking your outfit."

He used his famous grin on her as he led her down a hallway. "I know, Callie, I know. But I think she likes my scrubs much better," he added cheekily, pulling open a door marked "Gallery OR 3". "You going to be okay, Callie?" he asked, nodding as she shook her head. "That's what I thought. Just try to hold on, please, for her." He shut the door, and she leaned against it for a second, listening to the slap of his shoes on the floor as he ran down the hall, before really looking at her surroundings.

A crowd of what she presumed to be surgical interns was pressed up against the glass, looking down on the OR. A scowling resident was slumped in one of the seats, a chart in hand and a large pile on the chair beside him. He looked up at her for a second. "You're not supposed to be in here," he murmured, closing the chart he was working on and placing it on a smaller pile by his feet. "Only staff are allowed in the viewing rooms."

She ignored him, joining the interns and staring down on the operating room. Her stomach clenched up to see Arizona opened up on the table, blood and ash matted in her hair.

Less than two hours ago Callie'd been just yards away from marrying her, and now some stranger was taking a scalpel to her.

"Didn't you hear me?" She turned slightly; the resident was standing at her shoulder. "You're not supposed to be in here." Her attention returned to the OR, Derek was shoving through the doors, his mouth opening soundlessly as he spoke to the other surgeon.

"That's my fiancée down there," she murmured, tracking Derek's movements. Her hands reached out and she pressed them flat against the glass. "Derek Shepherd is cutting open my fiancée down there."

"Oh." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the resident make subtle movements for the interns to leave.

"Car_son_," one groaned, "but.. it, it's…" she motioned towards the OR.

"Draper, don't argue, just go." The crowd of interns pushed past them towards the door, and Callie raised an eyebrow. "Dr. Peter Carson," the resident said, sticking out his hand. Callie nodded, ignoring the proffered appendage, and didn't take her eyes off Derek. "D'you want me to run through the procedure with you?"

"I know it already, Dr. Carson," she replied, tugging at the hem of her dirty blue scrub top. "Dr. Callie Torres, Head of Ortho at SGMWH."

He seemed to notice her garb for the first time. "I can get you a clean set of scrubs?" He said, his voice rising at the end to make the statement more of a question. She shook her head.

"I'm not moving, Dr. Carson, until this is over. If you could just leave me alone, that'd be great." He moved back to his seat, grabbing a chart almost in unison with Derek, below, as the neuro surgeon took a scalpel from a resident. The two in the viewing gallery remained silent for a couple of minutes.

"What happened at Grace?" Peter asked, making Callie jump in surprise. Derek had just begun to make the incision on the back of Arizona's neck, a sure sign something had happened to the blonde's spinal cord.

"You mean, you weren't paged?" Callie asked, not really wanting to continue the conversation but feeling presured to do so.

"Newest resident, right here. All they page me about is having more charting for me to do." He sighed. "Fire, am I right?"

She nodded. "Pediatric wing went up in flames. Arizona, she's peds. She is so bloody hardcore peds. I know that's like an oxymoron or something, but she is. I couldn't stop her from diving in. Those kids, they're basically her family, and she didn't want to... to leave any of them behind." If Callie hadn't been so scared, she would have had much more than the little flare of love that burst up at those words. Her Ari was just so _invested_ in her patients; the game-playing, the snack-getting, the life-risking, those were all things that had rocketed respect for Arizona Robbins through the roof. Almost every doctor assigned to her service later complimented Arizona on her bedside manner, how familiarized she got with each and every patient.

"Were you like, on call, or something? Cause…" he cut in on her reminiscing, "your hair is all done up, even though you're in scrubs." He blushed at Callie's glare.

"I was walking down the aisle." She didn't know why she kept talking, why she kept confiding in this complete stranger. _No, not_ complete, she said to herself sarcastically. _I know his_ name. "I was walking down the aisle towards her, and now she's sliced open on a table at..." She peered at his badge, then stopped when he stared at her, "some little hospital."

"God, this must be hard on you." Peter pulled another chart onto his lap, and glanced down into the OR. "I'm sorry." He threw the chart to her, and she barely caught it. "I got that while they were prepping her. That's the field examination. Just in case you wanted to see the chart."

She looked down to see her own handwriting. "I _wrote_ the chart," she replied wryly, staring down at Arizona's prone from.

"Oh." He stood up, and slipped out of the gallery, leaving his pile of charts behind, and with his departure, Callie drew right back into the present. She shook her head, taking deep breaths to calm herself down.

"Callie, c'mon," she told herself out loud. "There's nothing you can do." She sat in Peter's chair, taking a chart from where he'd placed his completed ones and flipping it open. A familiar name caught her eye as the resident reentered the room.

"Hey. I got the new chart." She nodded, standing up again so he could take his seat. She didn't really focus on the chart he pressed into her hands, just looked closer at his badge.

"Oh. Oh. Oh _God_," she muttered to herself. "Virginia Mason. How could I forget that?"

"Hmm?" He didn't look up at her, just kept writing.

"You have Erica Hahn on staff here, right?" _Please don't. Please say I was just hallucinating._

"Yeah. Why? Oh, right! She came from Grace." He grinned at her, red tingeing his cheeks. "Sorry, I just, kind of idolize her. She's the only reason I'm at this hospital, I could've gone to Grace. Hey, I've actually just finished up a chart for a patient she consulted on."

Callie nodded, numb inside, then sat in the lowest row of chairs to peruse Arizona's chart. Shit just kept piling right up on her, didn't it.

"Fractured disc," she murmured, half to herself, as she read the two words on the sheet. "Damn." She looked closer at the surgery progressing below, and realized Derek had support rods readied at his side, about to be put into use. _Great_. Just _great_. She dove for the intercom beside the glass panels, flipping it on.

"Dr. Shepherd," she said, her voice wavering.

"Yes, Dr. Torres?" he replied, looking up into the gallery. "What's going on?"

"Don't use support rods."

"What?" His face wrinkled in confusion. "But-"

"I know, fractured disc. But support rods are too big. You need to use pin rods, Derek. With support, it's more likely the patient will end up with permanent paralysis," she said with textbook precision. _Don't think about it being Ari, don't think about it being Ari._

"Are you sure?"

"I built a man's leg out of titanium rods, Dr. Shepherd. I'm ortho. I'm sure," she replied haughtily. "I'm _Wonder Woman_ with a freaking _scalpel_! Of course I'm _sure_!"

"Thank you for that, Dr. Torres. Now, if it's okay with you," he said, grinning through his scrub mask, "I'd like to close the patient up soon, so I'm going to need to finish the procedure, which will require you to get off the intercom."

"Okay, Shepherd." Callie reached a hand out to the switch, but stayed it. "Just… just, save her, Derek, _please_," she said, her voice breaking, before flicking the intercom off.

She watched a scrub nurse hand Derek the miniscule rods, then inhaled sharply at the first loud beep. She looked towards the heart rate monitor, to see the line skyrocketing as deafening beeps filled the room. She could see Derek shouting through his mask, knew the words without even hearing them.

"Heart rate's rising," she murmured, as Derek and a resident were immobilizing Arizona, preparing to turn her over to begin compressions. "Get a crash cart!"

Peter was beside her at the glass, his fingers reaching for hers and intertwining with them. "It's going to be okay, Dr. Torres," he said. She shook her head.

"Pushing 200," she whispered. "Clear! It's not.. Pushing 250. Clear!" Derek looked towards the monitor. "Pushing 300. Clear! C'mon, Robbins!" Callie tensed, her fingers digging into Peter's hand. "Pushing 300! Clear!" The beeping stopped as Arizona flatlined.

Callie pushed away from the glass, sprinting from the gallery and into the hall. She thudded down a busy staircase, ignoring the looks, before bursting into the scrub room. She stripped off her navy top, grabbing a maroon shirt and pulling it over her head before steeping into a pair of loose scrub pants and grabbing a cap off a shelf. She scrubbed her hands quickly, watching through the windows as Derek shouted.

"Pushing 450! Clear!" The neuro surgeon was obviously frantic, his eyes betraying a massive amount of fear. "Come! On!" He returned the paddles to the cart as a resident continued compressions. Callie backed through the swinging door into the OR.

* * *

**SECOND HALF OF THIS CHAPTER TO COME AFTER CHRISTMAS AT SOME POINT AS CHAPTER EIGHT (WITH CALLIE YELLING AT DEREK, AND CALLIE YELLING AT AN OLD FRIEND AND A NEW ENEMY)**

**IJIND**


	7. Trying To Hold On Part Two

**I'm surprised if you're reading this, seeing as the last update was pre-Christmas...**

**All the usual disclaimers**

* * *

**Trying To Hold On (Part 2)**

"Get me gloves." The frozen staff turned slowly, staring at her.

"No, Torres!" Derek yelled. "Get out!"

"Get. Me. Gloves," she said quietly. "Now." A nurse rushed to pull the gloves onto her hands, and Callie turned her stony face towards the patient.

"Time of death-" Derek began, his shoulders slumping.

"Derek Shepherd, don't you _dare_ give up." Callie was at the patient's side, grabbing the paddles off the crash cart. "Pushing 200," she breathed through the scrub mask a nurse was tying around her face. "Come on. Clear!" Sweat dripped down her cheeks, even though the room was frigid. She bit her lip, pressed the paddles to the patient's chest, jolting her without effect. "Pushing 250. Clear!" she screamed, her face burning as her heart pounded against her ribs. She applied the paddles, cold metal hands that might be able to do for her what they hadn't even seemed to attempt for Derek. There was a beep that resounded around the OR, followed by another, then another. Callie replaced the paddles on the cart and turned to look at Derek, shaking her head. "You never give up."

"Out of my OR please, Dr. Torres," Derek half-shouted. "Thank you, but the patient is still open on the table, so out."

Callie made it back into the scrub room before the sobs erupted. She'd been so close to losing the patient. A second, maybe just a second longer, and she would have. She'd never thought she'd hear those three words come from Derek's mouth, not about the PEDs surgeon. Not about anyone she worked with, but _especially_ not about the PEDs surgeon. _Damn_! Callie smashed her fist against the wall before she sank to her knees, tears streaming down her cheeks. This was turning into another George fiasco. Why did she have to fall for the heroes? Why did she have to fall for people who would risk everything by jumping in front of a bus to save a complete stranger, by diving into a raging fire to rescue a patient? Right then, she wished she'd gone for heartless bastards, ones who didn't give a crap about the woman in the street or the multiple fractures kid in the second floor room. Right then, she wished for a normal life, or just for life to go back to normal. Anything but this.

She curled up in the foetal position on the floor, her hands covering her head as she listened to the beat of her heart, felt it go 'lub-dub' in her chest, like it was trying to burst right out of her ribcage. She calmed down; that tiny thud inside was the only thing capable of holding off the darkness threatening to consume her.

A pair of Nikes moved past her, carrying their wearer into the OR. Cardio resident, Callie presumed. Coming to make sure the patient's heart hadn't been damaged. it wouldn't be Erica, not with the load of patients arriving. Erica would have been tied to the first cardio case through those doors, at least forty-five minutes before the patient had arrived. Callie checked her pager as she shifted into a more comfortable position with one arm under her head. Four PM already. Three hours since the pagers had exploded over the sound of the organ playing. Three hours since normality.

Callie rolled onto her back, sprawling across the floor of the scrub room, trying to regulate her breathing and retake the control she'd lost. She filled herself with ice, and began to rebuild the walls around her heart that the patient had so quickly, so easily, torn down. She didn't realize it until she was so far into the task that it was too late to stop, but she was giving up hope. Laying those bricks of pain and hurt around her heart, shoring up her numbness, through that she was giving up on the patienty even making it through the surgery. No tears came at the realization, and moments later she'd passed out on the floor.

"Callie. Callie. _Callie_!"

A toe nudged her awake, and she cleared her eyes and looked up, shaking her head when she saw the pain in Derek's eyes. "No, Derek. Not no, not yet, okay? Not quite yet. Please." _Not until I can make it painless_, she added internally.

"Callie," he murmured.

"Just give me some time, please, just give me a second, because if you don't say anything, I can still pretend. I can pretend she stood up and walked away. I can tell myself we're working different shifts, I can pretend she'll be calling me soon to tell me to get home." Callie covered her face with her hands, staying on the floor. It felt like all the light the patient had pushed into her life was seeping back out, and it was tearing her apart.

* * *

Callie stopped in her tracks, staring at the blonde dressed in street clothes who stood at the end of her patient's bed. "Erica?" she forced out, gaping as she entered the room. "Is that you?"

Erica Hahn turned, and grinned painfully. "Callie," she murmured, taking a quick look back at the red haired woman slumped in a visitor's chair. "Bailey said you were working on Carley."

"Wha-?" Tears started leaking uncontrollably down Callie's cheeks, minute cracks forming in the newly built walls. "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this _now_?" She shouted, clenching her fists at her sides. "You realize what this does to me? Do you, in the least, realize how much you're killing me right now? Do you, Erica?"

"Cal, what's going on?" Erica stepped closer, thumbing a tear out of the coner of the orthopedic surgeon's eye. "What are you talking about?" Callie pulled the blonde's hand away.

"Don't say you forgot. Don't say even after five years you could forget I worked here. Don't say you forgot what happened between us. And please don't lie and say you haven't heard _exactly_ what has happened to me. You owe that to me, Hahn. So tell me why you're doing this, because I'm the one who saved Carley's life, and really, I could likely destroy it!"

"Hey, hey," Danyca pulled Callie away from the cardiothoracic surgeon. "Calm down, Torres."

"No!" Callie screamed. "You don't get to tell me to calm down, Ms. I-Want-To-Be-Like-Arizona-So-I'll-Just-Kiss-You-In-A-Washroom! Why don't you two just run along and have a nice great big huge chat about how you've both been wrecking me inside, and I'll go, like, _kill_ myself right now!"

"Callie Torres!" Erica yelled overtop of her. "Are you saying I'm here to get you back? Hell no. That's the furthest thing from my mind. It's been _five years_, Cal. I am _married_. I've adopted a _child_. But no, _I'm_ not allowed to progress at all, right? I'm not allowed to move on from the woman who walked away from you in front of the hospital and left you broken in the Parking Lot of No Return. I'm not going to put up with your shit, Cal, not again! My _daughter_ got hit by a _truck_ on a _field trip_, so I don't need your crap, Cal. I've got enough of my own right about now, thank you very much!"

Callie stared at her, taken aback. "I'm sorry, Erica." She regretted saying the words the second they left her mouth. Erica Hahn, Erica Leave-You-Torn-Open-And-Crying-In-The-Parking-Lot-Of-No-Return Hahn, should be the one apologizing, not her. "Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not. Because I'm still..." she shoved Danyca Fletcher out of the room and shut the door, continuing in a harsh whisper, "I'm still feeling this weird way about you, I'm still feeling this awkward, weird way about that woman I used to know, and you come here now, with the single person in the world I love more than you, with _Arizona_ in a freaking_ coma_ upstairs, and it rips me apart, okay? Seeing you rips me apart. Because I don't know what I feel for you; I'm damn sure it's not love, but it's this weird feeling, and the only feelings I'm used to right now are anger and sorrow, so this is a change, and I don't know what kind of one, exactly."

"Arizona _Robbins_?" Erica asked after a lengthy pause which she'd spent staring at the orthopedic surgeon. The blonde started pacing back and forth. "Robbins is in a coma? Is that why that woman is on Carley's case?" Erica motioned to where Danyca was leaning against a wall in the hallway, and then took in Callie's nod. "Wait... you said 'Be like Arizona so I'll just kiss you in a washroom'." The implications dawned on the heart surgeon. "You're with Arizona Robbins?" Callie nodded again. "Oh, Cal, she is _so_ not your type," Erica smiled.

"Shut up," Callie shot back, grinning for what felt like the first time in years.

"So you operated on Carley before?" Erica queried, remembering a snatch of conversation.

"Her foster parents beat her severely, broke both of her arms in two places. Then I pulled her off of a burning PEDs floor, and lost Arizona because of that. Carley was a trooper, both times through."

"She still is." Erica bit her lip and looked at her daughter, before taking a spot standing behind the redhead who still slumbered blissfully unaware of the drama that had unfolded, and shaking her awake. "Cal, this is my wife, Sarah Kelly. Sare," she murmured into Sarah's ear as the redhead snapped upright, "this is Dr. Callie Torres. She's going to be operating on Carley."

Callie choked back tears as she watched the heart surgeon she'd, up until just minutes ago, thought to be an evil, sadist bitch, take a firm grip on Sarah's hand and kiss the redhead's temple, and heard the whisper that passed from the blonde's lips.

"Sare, she was a trooper, we know that, so let's just keep faith that she still is."

* * *

**Hope it was worth the (overly long) wait**

**IJIND**


End file.
